Suddenly,
a man with leprosy approached him and knelt before him. “Lord,” the man
said, “if you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean.” Jesus reached out and touched him. “I am willing,” he said. “Be healed!”
Matthew 8:2-3
In the next session,
I came again with my list again. I had written down some new things that I felt
like the Lord was leading me to pray about specifically. I began to talk and
pray with John and Cathy.
The first demon
that came out started by shacking my head back and forth and crying out, No,
NO, NO, NO. It wagged its finger in protest in John’s direction. That demon was
loneliness and despair, and when it left, it revealed a reservoir of deep grief
and terror. The pain moaned and wailed, and I reached for Cathy to hold on to
her. It reminded me of Oliver when he hurts himself or gets really upset, how
he reaches for me for comfort and rescue. I hold him until it passes. She held
me.
Then, I remember
they prayed against the spirit of depression and I could feel something
stirring in me about that, so I told them to keep praying more. Soon, the demon
of depression started to manifest and it was very rebellious, also saying NO,
NO, NO and full of anguish.
Next, I remember
confessing to them about some deeply shameful things that had happened when I
was younger. It was so hard to say it out loud. I felt so much shame, but I
forced myself to say it. Again, after saying it, another manifestation occurred
and more deep emotional pain came with it.
I remember at
one point, my soul crying out to God, saying “Lord Jesus, Lord Jesus! You’re so
good. Thank you, Thank you!” I could feel him cleansing me and freeing me and
rescuing me.
I remember at
another moment, Cathy wiping me with water that had been blessed and saying
over and over again that I was cleansed.
There is some
confusion about what happened in which order because it was all so emotionally
and physically charged. All the demons were very rebellious, often saying
things, like, “No, you can’t!” or something like, “No, I’m not going to do
that!”, when they were being commanded to leave. They even laughed mockingly,
and my body would twist and fight like a child’s temper tantrum. There was a
lot of crying and wailing and shaking.
I remember Cathy
telling me to look into her eyes, but the demon didn’t want to, but I forced
myself to look. She told it to go and when it was gone, my temperament changed
and I was child-like and vulnerable.
During each
manifestation, I was often confessing my sins or traumas, as well as renouncing
any influence of the enemy that had been allowed in.
At one point, I
went to the bathroom and when I come back, I sat down and a childish impatience
started to manifest. I said out loud, “This is taking too long!” I soon confessed
my sins of impatience, frustration, anger, and criticism and renounced the
demonic attachment. This demon was particularly rebellious and started spitting
with its tongue out like a child does in disrespect or mocking. Then, it stuck
it’s tongue straight out and down. Then, it left.
Each
manifestation was a familiar sensation in my body. I had felt it and known it
before as if it were my own. My own attitudes and thoughts and feelings.
At the end,
Cathy and John encouraged me to invite the Holy Spirit to come and give me a
sense of his presence filling the places from which the enemy was just
expelled.
I did get a
sense and an image of him cleaning out all the ‘bad guys’ from my room and then
staying to take care of me. I got a sense of his joy. However, later on, in
prayer, I got an even deeper sense of God’s ability to Lord over my darkness.
We spend so much time trying to hide from him because we don’t really believe
he is strong enough to overcome it. He is not afraid of it. He is not offset by
the shame of it. His jealousy and protection over us is more fierce.
I am realizing
how much I have distrusted God. I haven’t believed he could really take care of
my most profound struggles. I have believed that he wasn’t strong enough to
help me. I believed that he had forgotten me in a desert land. Now I can see
him. He is like a mother who relentlessly watches over her children. Nothing
can stand in the way of her love for them, not even her own life.
My hunger for
the Lord has grown so much in just a few weeks. Before, I was dull, but now, I
am insatiable.
